yes, we have no collusion

ripped from the headlines of tomorrow's soon-to-be-not-so-fake news: the name of the one country that the trump crime family™ most definitely has not been guilty of conspiring with:

the birther era

... cliff notes version:

finally, the home stretch

foreign policies

the 70's called — they want their foreign policy back!

♬ all mitt is saaaying, is ... ♬

say what, governor?

booman tribune:

last night's debate was different for a lot or reasons. the president let himself get pushed around a little bit early on, but not without some resistance. and he eventually found the perfect moment to rope-a-dope Romney into the threshing blades with his comments on terrorism in benghazi. thereafter, obama was the undisputed alpha dog of the debate, which was capped by his good fortune in having the final say of the night. if it were a boxing match, romney was knocked down at least two times and the fight ended with mitt on the ropes taking a pummeling from the champion. the judges' cards were not close.

a tale of two campaigns

romney-man to the rescue

(story and art by ty templeton)

a mitt romney presidency

see also:

"a rick perry presidency"
"a michelle bachmann presidency"
"a herman cain presidency"
"a newt gingrich presidency"
"a rick santorum presidency"

a herman cain presidency

see also:

"a rick perry presidency"
"a michelle bachmann presidency"
"a mitt romney presidency"
"a rick santorum presidency"
"a newt gingrich presidency"

orange alert

with election day 2012 just around the corner, america's enemies just seem to grow bolder:

'credible threats' made to US government
homeland security studying two-hour video from wednesday night

WASHINGTON (the borowitz report) — the department of homeland security said today that it was studying several "credible threats" made to the united states government in a two-hour broadcast wednesday night from a location believed to be the reagan library in simi valley, california.

homeland security spokesman harland dorinson said that the department did not want to alarm the american people, "but whenever you have a group of individuals threatening to dismantle the US government piece by piece, it has to be taken seriously."

in reviewing the two-hour tape, homeland security officials said they found threats to some of the most essential functions of the US government, from social security to the federal reserve.

while stopping short of saying that the speakers were engaged in some sort of jihad, mr. dorinson did note that a tone of religious extremism dominated the video.

"one speaker in particular, seemed bent on rolling back the advances of science and plunging america back into the dark ages," he said.

but the most terrifying moment in the tape came when that same speaker received thunderous applause from the audience after threatening to execute people.

"we're posting pictures of this individual on our website," mr. dorinson said. "hopefully he will be captured before he can carry out any of his plans."

a debt ceiling carol

now that all the shouting's over — for a few hours at least — i believe it's time in the program for our musical number ...

the undefeated*

and the reviews are pouring in ...

richard corliss, time magazine:

"divine"

[director stephen k.] "bannon applies so much idolatrous airbrushing to his portrait of the divine sarah that the movie might be called going rouge."

"may tempt even the most ardent conservatives to emulate their idol"

"the movie may tempt even the most ardent conservatives to emulate their idol's tenure as governor and walk out halfway through."

"the michael moore
of the hard right"

"bannon could be the michael moore of the hard right — if he had some saving sense of humor and if anyone paid to see his movies."

anna merlan, the village voice:

"glowing"

"the movie, which charts her career as mayor of wasilla and governor of alaska, is less a documentary than a glowing two-hour infomercial for sarah palin, presidential candidate to-be."

"without blemish"

"this cartoonish version of real life is paired with a just-as-caricatured view of palin, who in this retelling is entirely without blemish, physical or political, and incapable of missteps."

"honest"

"in one stump speech shown near the end of the undefeated, palin exclaims brightly, "there’s nothing wrong in america a good ol'-fashioned election can't fix!" that's about as honest as this piece of propaganda."

robert abele, los angeles times:

"dizzying"

"a troop-rallying campaign infomercial as imagined by michael bay: hero-worshipping, crescendo-edited at a dizzying pace, thunderously repetitive and its own worst enemy as a two-hour, talking-points briefing."

"a real person"

"visually, she comes off less like a real person and more like a feisty, smiling, news-clip spirit, thumping the walls via press conference/stump speech footage, minus the on-air moments, such as her gaffe-riddled katie couric interview ..."

"from-the-heart"

"... sound bites come off like well-rehearsed testimonials rather than from-the-heart tidbits from intimates and confidantes."

todd mccarthy, the hollywood reporter:

"a must-see"

"nothing about the film earmarks it as a must-see anywhere other than in the living rooms of die-hard loyalists."

"meaningful"

"once you realize the film is just going to be a string of encomiums against a backdrop of frantically edited archival material in which few shots are allowed to stay onscreen longer than three seconds, it's clear that no meaningful analysis of the woman's career or political agenda will be forthcoming."

joe leydon, variety:

"a history lesson"

"faster than the speed of thought, "the undefeated" is a history lesson designed for students with minimal attention spans."

"undefeated"

"political junkies eager to know more about palin's vice-presidential campaign are similarly out of luck. "the undefeated" gives the 2008 election only cursory treatment — maybe because she was, you know, defeated in that one ..."

---

* with apologies to mad magazine ...

giddy-ap (updated* yet again)

the donald is trumping his GOP competitors.

the billionaire real estate mogul has taken a rather shocking nine-point lead in a national poll of the hypothetical republican presidential field, according to a new survey by public policy polling ...

(us news and world report)

congrats to the billionaire toupee life-support system and born-again birther (and apologies to isaac asimov):

"there is an old fable," said hardin, "as old perhaps as humanity, for the oldest records containing it are merely copies of other records still older, that might interest you. it runs as follows: "a republican horse having a democratic wolf as a powerful and dangerous enemy lived in constant fear of permanent minority status. being driven to desperation, it occurred to him to seek a strong ally. whereupon he approached a birther, and offered an alliance, pointing out that the wolf was likewise an enemy of the birther. the birther accepted the partnership at once and offered to kill the wolf immediately, if his new partner would only co-operate by placing his greater speed at his disposal. the horse was willing, and allowed the birther to place bridle and saddle upon him. the birther mounted, hunted down the wolf, and killed him. "the horse, joyful and relieved, thanked the birther, and said: 'now that our enemy is dead, remove your bridle and saddle and restore my freedom.' "whereupon the birther laughed loudly and replied, 'the hell you say. giddy-ap, dobbin,' and applied the spurs with a will."

(* see "giddy-ap" from january 2008 and "giddy-ap upated" from september 2010)

life imitating art

art:

life:

actually, allow me to set the record straight: birthers aren't imitating cartoons — birthers are cartoons ...

any day now

y'know, now that i've had some time to think it over, i think you're absolutely right — the goalposts do look so much better over here ...

once BO leaves office, however, there will be a thorough public discussion and a race by *renowned* journalists to publish blockbuster exposes. WRT rush [limbaugh] — IMHO he may be a closet birther but does not have access to irrefutable evidence and will not risk his reputation at this point. BUT once BO becomes a former POTUS — rush's career will be sustained & enhanced by bringing up all the clues that were ignored by the congress and the media with special reference to his, rush's *prescience* in the matter.

be patient grasshopper! The Truth will eventually come out! it always does ...... i believe that obama will be turned out in 2012, and if re-elected, someone in the congress will object, forcing obama to withdraw or be forced to defend the indefenseable in court. as an alternate scenario, i believe that obama will not run for re-election (placing him squarely in the ranks of failed preidencies by that simple act alone) and, after the fact, a court case will be allowed to rise up the system to the USSC court who will re-affirm the constitutional intent and definition of NBC as born of the soil to 2 citizens ..... negating obama’s presidency in toto ......

rush will strike when the iron is hot.

i pray that you are right. it's been more than 2 years. it's like "waiting for godot".

i stopped holding my breath long ago.

semper fi, birfistani!

the art of the backdown

former white house spinmeister karl rove sizing up delaware republican senate primary winner christine o'donnell (sep 14):

i've met her. i wasn't frankly impressed by her abilities as a candidate ... one thing that o'donnell is now going to have to answer in the general election that she didn't in the primary is her own checkered background. ... there were a lot of nutty things she has been saying that don't add up. ... why did she mislead voters about her college education? how come it took nearly two decades to pay her college bills so she could get her college degree? how did she make a living? ... we were looking at eight to nine seats in the senate. we are now looking at seven to eight in my opinion.

it does conservatives little good to support candidates who at the end of the day while they may be conservative in their public statements do not event the characteristics of rectitude, truthfulness and sincerity and character that the voters are looking for. ... but we also can't make progress if we have candidates who got serious character problems, who cause ordinary voters who are not philosophically aligned with us to not vote for our candidates out of concern of what they said and what they do. ... but look, she attacked him by saying he had a homosexual relationship with a young aide with not a bit of evidence to prove it. ... she had already previously spread the rumor. come on! look, she's got a chance now. let's you and i have a private side bet on this one. i think at the end of the day she has to answer these questions in a way that people of delaware find convincing or we are going to find ourselves with somebody who says conservative things, but doesn't have the character that the people of delaware want to have.

i believe the questions [about] why she had a problem for five years with paying her federal income taxes, why her house was foreclosed on and put up for sale, why it took sixteen years to settle her college debt and get her diploma while she went around for years claiming she was a college graduate," rove said. "i think a lot of voters in delaware are going to want more than she is offering to them right now, and we'll see.

conservative pundit michelle malkin:

might as well have been olbermann on MSNBC. the establishment beltway strategist couldn't even bother with an obligatory word of congratulations for o’donnell. ... rove came across as an effete sore loser instead of the supposedly brilliant and grounded GOP strategist that he’s supposed to be. expect more washington republicans to start sounding like tea party-bashing libs as their entrenched incumbent friends go down.

conservative blogger dan riehl:

... fox should suspend him and investigate. ... rove was working behind the scenes on behalf of the castle campaign to negotiate a deal that would have led to some delaware tea party groups not supporting christine o'donnell, while giving mike castle a pass. especially given his comments on fox news tonight, until this is resolved, it seems impossible to trust rove as an objective analyst. in terms of the conservative movement, we should not simply ignore him, but proactively work to undermine rove in whatever ways we can, given his obvious willingness to undermine us.

conservative bitch-slapper rush limbaugh (sep 15):

this is about conservatives taking back the republican party. ... who the hell are they, anyway, to anoint or disanoint somebody as electable or not electable? i'm in charge of that! ... that's always been my purview and nothing's changed. ... look at the petulant attitude. 'screw you — christine o'donnell wins, she's on her own. you're on your own.' ... we're going to throw in the towel here? why not fight for it?

christine o'donnell (sep 15):

[rove] is the same so-called political guru that predicted i wasn't going to win. and we won and we won big. so i think, again, he is eating some humble pie and he is just trying to restore his reputation.

anti-establishment teahadist karl rove (sep 16):

i, i don't like being called the establishment. i've supported marco rubio and todd tiahrt and a lotta — sarah palin and i tuesday night backed kelly ayotte in new hampshire, so before you start calling me that establishment guy be, be careful. ... i'm helping raise fifty million dollars, three million of which we've already spent on behalf of sharron angle in nevada so be careful when you call me an establishment republican. i'm not certain what that is. ... no, no, look, i'm a huge tea party fan. i've enjoyed meeting with people as i go around the country, i've got a great many friends who i've made during the book tour and leaders in the tea party movement. in fact, i met christine o'donnell when i was in delaware last december to do the sussex county christmas day, GOP christmas day party and in one of the interesting parts, i got to meet with about twelve tea party leaders from southern delaware and had a wonderful conversation. this has given us energy, enthusiasm and in many instances it's given us highly qualified candidates who are going to be able to take the fight to the democrats this fall. ... look, i, i endorsed [o'donnell] the other night, i said i'm for the republicans in each and every case. i mean, i was one of the first to do it. look, i'm also helping her. i've gotten so many people have written me an e-mail saying i'm irritated with you, saying what you said the other night, i'm giving her a campaign contribution, i'm sending her a lotta internet contributions. ... fox had one thing wrong on election night. we mistakenly said that the republican senatorial committee said they weren't going to send her my money. i called rob jesmer, the executive director of the committee, the morning after and said "why the heck did you say that?", and he said we never said that, in fact we're cutting a check, the maximum we're allowed to give her, $42,000, and we're raising money from the PACs, and campaign funds and republican senators, including cornyn and mcconnell to send her additional cash immediately.

giddy-ap (updated*)

congrats to christine o'donnell and her fellow triumphant teabaggers (and apologies to isaac asimov):

"there is an old fable," said hardin, "as old perhaps as humanity, for the oldest records containing it are merely copies of other records still older, that might interest you. it runs as follows: "a republican horse having a democratic wolf as a powerful and dangerous enemy lived in constant fear of permanent minority status. being driven to desperation, it occurred to him to seek a strong ally. whereupon he approached a teabagger, and offered an alliance, pointing out that the wolf was likewise an enemy of the teabagger. the teabagger accepted the partnership at once and offered to kill the wolf immediately, if his new partner would only co-operate by placing his greater speed at his disposal. the horse was willing, and allowed the teabagger to place bridle and saddle upon him. the teabagger mounted, hunted down the wolf, and killed him. "the horse, joyful and relieved, thanked the teabagger, and said: 'now that our enemy is dead, remove your bridle and saddle and restore my freedom.' "whereupon the teabagger laughed loudly and replied, 'the hell you say. giddy-ap, dobbin,' and applied the spurs with a will."

(* see "giddy-ap" from january 2008)

no imagination needed

... to guess how a non-white version of a certain much-hyped vocal national "grass-roots" movement would go over with the mainstream media:

what if the tea party was black? holding guns like the black panther party was back? if al was rush limbaugh and jesse was sean hannity and tavis was glenn beck would they harm they families? if sarah palin was suddenly sistah souljah would they leave it with the votes or go and get the soldiers? y'all know if the tea party was black the government would have been had the army attack! what if michael baisden was on ya FM dial for 3 hours every day calling the president foul? would they say free speech or find evidence how to charge him with treason like see he's unamerican now? what if minister farrakhan prayed for the death of the commander in chief that he be laid to rest? would they treat it as the gravest threat or never make an arrest even today he's still hated for less? what if president obama would have lost the election? quit his job so he could go talk to the left and bash the government for being off of direction fraught with deception? and told black people they want all of our weapons and we want our own country and called for secession? would he be arrested and tossed in corrections for trying to foster aggression against the people's lawful selection? our question's ... what if the tea party was black? holding guns like the black panther party was back? if al was rush limbaugh and jesse was sean hannity and tavis was glenn beck would they harm they families? if sarah palin was suddenly sistah souljah would they leave it with the votes or go and get the soldiers? y'all know if the tea party was black the government would have been had the army attack! what if black people went on facebook and made a page that for the death of the president-elect we prayed? would the creators be tazed and thrown in a cage? we know the page wouldn't have been displayed all these days! what if jeremiah wright said that everybody white wasn't a real america would you feel scared of him? if he had a militia with pictures that depict the president as hitler they would kill and bury that wait ... what if cynthia mckinney lamented the winning of the new president and hinted he wasn't really a true resident with no proof or evidence? would the media treat it like a huge press event? they would have attacked whatever group she represents! they would have called her a kook on precedent and any network that gave her due preference would be the laughing stock of the news so our question is ... what if the tea party was black? holding guns like the black panther party was back? if al was rush limbaugh and jesse was sean hannity and tavis was glenn beck would they harm they families? if sarah palin was suddenly sistah souljah would they leave it with the votes or go and get the soldiers? y'all know if the tea party was black the government would have been had the army attack!

(hat tip to oliver willis)

headline of the day

via associated press:

"ex-VP cheney hospitalized after having discomfort"

i never thought "having discomfort" was even possible for a person who could launch the needless deaths of hundreds of thousands of men, women and children across the globe, and who could coerce a public apology from a man he'd drunkenly shot in the face?

quiet about the delorean

presenting "what natural-born citizenship really means", from afterbirther's excellent and soon-to-be-famous ongoing contemporary history series "great moments in birtherism":

jefferson:	ok, i think i got this. i changed "45 years" to "35". it now reads: "neither shall any person be eligible for that office who shall not have attained to the age of 35 years and been 14 years a resident within the united states." how's that sound?
washington:	oh yeah, i like that much better. after all, it's 1787, most of us are dead before we ever get to be forty-five.
jefferson:	great. so, let's see: we've taken care of the age thing; we've written in the grandfather clause so that old benny franklin doesn't feel all left out; the residency thing is handled. so what are we missing?
washington:	well, there's still that whole citizenship thing.
jefferson:	oh yeah, that thing that john jay was running on about. what's his problem, again?
washington:	well, he seems to have this wild hair about a usurper becoming commander-in-chief one day. i'm not quite sure i get the whole issue. i think it has something to do with kenya.
jefferson:	ok, well, how about something like this: "no person except a native-born citizen can be born president."
washington:	close ... but not quite. john really likes the term "natural-born" instead of "native-born".
jefferson:	"natural-born"? what the hell does that mean?
washington:	well, de vattel says —
jefferson:	no! no! be very quiet about de vattel. nobody's supposed to know about the delorean!
washington:	hey, you're preaching to the choir! but if we don't use the delorean, we're stuck with english common law! and you know how well that's been working out ...
jefferson:	but if we start using common law terms in ways that won't be invented for another ten years, then we're gonna need a glossary.
washington:	that's a bad idea too. after all, jay had his heart set on being on the supreme court. if we make a glossary, they'll have nothing to do.
jefferson:	but why de vattel? i mean, on issues of citizenship, the man's a fucking idiot!
washington:	i thought you liked the frogs ... ?
jefferson:	now, george, be nice — you know i'm a dual citizen of france!
washington:	i know. i just like to rub it in.
jefferson:	and after all, de vattel is not even really french. he's swiss, for god's sake! who pays any attention to the swiss? they're not even big enough to have their own language!
washington:	so, ok, we have to make john jay happy. after all, he's like a bazillionth-degree templar in the illuminati and if we piss him off, it's back to virginia for both of us!
jefferson:	wait — i have an idea ... bear with me: what if we used jay's "natural-born citizen" but don't use english common law or de vattel's definition ... ?
washington:	go on. i'm listening ...
jefferson:	... what if we use it to mean somebody who was born naturally, as opposed to cloned?
washington:	cloned?
jefferson:	yeah, cloned. i was tooling around in the delorean. it's gonna be huge!
washington:	ok ... i like it. so john jay gets his phrase; we don't have to worry about either de vattel or english common law; no glossary so the supreme court has something to do. i think we've got article ii covered. awesome!
jefferson:	now we can go tackle that amendment that abigail adams has been so bitchy about.
washington:	which one is that, again?
jefferson:	the second amendment. the one about giving first ladies the right to wear sleeveless dresses.
washington:	oh yeah. grab some sunscreen. i'll go load the flux capacitor into the delorean and then meet you in the garage ...