pandemerica

... or how i stopped worrying and learned to love the virus.

"i make deals. it's what i do."

the party's over

tulsa was shaping up to be a horror show masquerading as the largest human trial in the history of medicine masquerading as a hate rally masquerading as a campaign opener:

sadly, trump's running low on guinea pigs:

bubble boy

"aw c'mon, it was just a routine inspection!"

[wonkette] bill barr says trump just regular bunker baby, not inspector bunker baby :(

bill barr is basically calling donald trump a liar right now.

remember when trump claimed hilariously to fox news's brian kilmeade that he didn't go in the bunker and hide because he was scared of the american people outside, but rather because it was time for a BUNKER INSPECTION, because of how he's the official white house INSPECTOR BUNKER BABY?

yeah, bill barr says that is not it, in a monday interview with fox news's bret baier.

... "things were so bad that the secret service recommended the president go down to the bunker," mr. barr said in an interview with fox news. "we can't have that in our country."

... bill barr's lies are conflicting with donald trump's lies right now, oh how sad.

... he needs the lie narrative out there that there was some major violence happening in the streets, when all impartial accounts say otherwise.

... meanwhile, donald trump is scared of looking like a weenus, so he needs it to be true that he was simply performing his normal daytime INSPECTOR BUNKER BABY duties, instead of being rushed down to the bunker by the secret service for his own protection.

... two men. two different stories they are telling themselves. both stories bullshit.

commies from mars

we know now that in the early years of the twenty-first century this world was being watched closely by socialists browner than we real americans and far less moral than our own. terrorists lusty, stoned and sociopathic, regarded the land of the free and the suburbs of the brave with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us. in the twentieth year of the twenty-first century came the great awakening.

it was near the end of may. stocks were better. the covid scare was over. more men were back at work. cities were re-opening. on this particular evening, may 31, internet world stats estimated that 4.65 billion people were cruising the internet ...

donald j. trump @realDonaldTrump, may 31

the united states of america will be designating ANTIFA as a terrorist organization.

anonymous, may 31

i am not one to spread false information, i have been informed by numerous realizable resources. the protest planned for tonight at 8:30 in downtown klamath falls, IS GOING TO BE DANGEROUS. there are two buses heading this way from portland, full of ANTIFA members and loaded with bricks. their intentions are to come to klamath falls, destroy it, and murder police officers. there have been rumors of the ANTIFA going into residential areas to 'fuck up the white hoods'.

do not get me wrong. i am all for peaceful protesting. infact i was going to attend the protest tonight believing it was going to be peaceful.

the real 3%ers idaho, may 31

ATTN ada county BUSINESS OWNERS in boise and surrounding areas:

we have credible intel tonight that antifa and other groups are planning a riot tonight in the boise area. their plan is to destroy private property in the city and continue to residential areas. we are calling on all business owners to contact us if you are concerned for your business and your private property immediately. we are here to protect you, your private business, and have teams on the ground standing by.

ghost 117 @ThomasMerrick16, jun 1

Antifa is now in klamath falls Oregon my home town we the people of klamath falls #Patriotsforlife let's get these terrorists out of our town

cory johnson @cjohnsondubai, jun 1

time to lock and load to protect our home. two buses of antifa showed up in klamath falls and with in an hour the citizens were on the street heavily armed.

pacificriver @pacificedge541, jun 1

3 buses of BLM/antifa dropped off in klamath falls oregon. residents out too protect thier town.

i climbed a small hill above the pond at sixtieth street. i looked in vain for the monsters or the buses that reportedly had brought them.

it was later found that they were killed by the disinfecting agents against which their systems were unprepared. slain, after all man's defenses had failed, by the two humblest things that god in his wisdom put upon this earth: time ... and the cold hard light of reality.

(apologies to h.g. wells)

[nbc news]
in klamath falls, oregon, victory declared over antifa, which never showed up

...still others remain convinced that antifa had been there that night, run off by the sight of hundreds of armed patriots.

and that’s the story spreading online.

"antifa retreats from suburb after business owner and neighborhood show up with guns," stated the headline on the website newspunch, one of the internet’s most notorious fake news destinations. the article quotes a facebook post by dan kline, the owner of a local billiards bar.

"i have never felt a threat to my business as i did last night," kline wrote in his post. "antifa didn’t make it to the courthouse and my bar had no incidents. antifa walked into a hornet’s nest. it was like a sixth grade football team walking into the oakland coliseum to take on the raiders."

the golden age of antifa comics

who can forget these four-color classics from a time when no one declared that anti-fascists were "terrorists" or that tiki-torch-waving nazis were "very fine people" ...

fast forward ...

(see also: "those were the days")

putin's amerika

there was a time when a vision of america like this scared the literal jesus into a lotta americans. but under the trump regime, the meaning of being a "red-blooded" conservative has come full circle:

and a new amerika deserves a new capital ...

you too can be a winner

even in the fiercest bear markets, rest assured that our littlest clients always come out a winner:

"win so much, you're gonna be so sick"

four years ago:

"we're gonna win so much, you're gonna be so sick and tired of winning."

(donald trump, may 26, 2016)

meet the cure

when the truth has a liberal bias, who you gonna call?

the gop finally settle on an impeachment strategy

make us a god who will go before us

conservative faith leaders visiting the white house lay their hands on trump to pray for him.

i told them, ‘whoever has any gold jewelry, take it off.’ then they gave me the gold, and i threw it into the fire, and out came this calf!” [exodus 32:24]

and then we fell in love

at a rally in west virginia last saturday, president trump told the crowd about feelings he has developed for kim jong un. remember when the president mocked north korea's supreme leader as "little rocket man," and kim ridiculed trump as a "mentally deranged u.s. dotard"?

something else was going on.

trump said, "i was really being tough. and so was he. and we'd go back and forth. and then we fell in love. ok? no, really. he wrote me beautiful letters. and they're great letters. we fell in love. but you know what? now, they'll say 'donald trump said they fell in love, how horrible. how horrible is that? so un-presidential.'"

at least unprecedented.

(inspired by real twitter account president supervillain, who puts real trumpSpeak into real comics. art by jim starlin & dan green, from captain marvel #28)

the political circus

the heartbreak of conservatism

those were the days

every trump poll we've ever seen

ya gotta kill some pigs

if FOX news were a liberal outfit ...

At Iowa's "Freedom Summit", Mike Huckabee declared war on the police

des moines, iowa — folksy former arkansas governor and faux news commentator and current 2016 presidential potential mike huckabee dropped a bombshell during the closeout speech of saturday's republican party "freedom summit" in iowa. outlining the principles of his radical agenda for the country, huckabee exhorted his talibangelical legions everywhere to massacre law-enforcement officials in washington and beyond.

"we need to do some pig-killing!" huckabee declared, pumping his fists in a gang-salute to a boisterous crowd, where nevada cattle rancher cliven bundy was overhead saying: "we're about ready to take the country over with force!"

however, not everyone at the summit agreed with huckabee. fellow speaker, new jersey governor, rival contender and perennial porcine punchline chris christie nervously called the plan "a solution in search of a problem."

police officers quickly voiced their displeasure with huckabee. "what police officers felt yesterday after that speech is that they were thrown under the bus," said new york police union president patrick lynch. "that they were out there doing a difficult job in the middle of the night, protecting the rights of those to stump, protecting romney's sons and dollars, and huckabee was behind microphones like this throwing them under the bus."

despite some resistance among traditional conservative ranks, huckabee remained committed to pushing the GOP down a new and militant path. "ya gotta kill some pigs," he said. "and folks, there are a lotta people ... that don't wanna kill any pigs."

torture works

of course you're not a scientist

conservative lawmakers of late have taken to adding a certain disclaimer to their climate change denialism so they can continue their paid endorsements of inaction on global warming without having to cite facts and evidence:

washington — gov. rick scott of florida, a republican who is fighting a democratic challenge from former gov. charlie crist, was asked by the miami herald if he believes climate change is significantly affecting the weather. "well, i'm not a scientist," he said.

senator mitch mcconnell of kentucky, who is locked in a tight re-election race, was asked this month by the cincinnati enquirer if he believes that climate change is a problem. "i'm not a scientist," he said.

house speaker john a. boehner, when asked by reporters if climate change will play a role in the republican agenda, came up with a now-familiar formulation. "i'm not qualified to debate the science over climate change," he said.

if you're wondering why we should listen to anyone disqualifying themselves from having an opinion, remember that this is only a one-way conversation.

and since scott and mcconnell were both reelected, it obviously works. so why should craven congresscritters have all the fun?