certifigate: birfer calculus

as americans from sea to shining sea celebrated their biggest political holiday of the year, the kenyan usurper was dealt his biggest challenge yet — multiple SuperAmericanGrandJury Presentments for multiple counts of fraud and treason handed down by a "world record" 172 dedicated patriots and defenders of the constitution, hand-delivered to the white house, the supreme court, the pentagon, the fbi and secret service, and various senators and congresspersons. it sure sounds like the marxist paradise's starting to get a little more complicated for the usurper-in-chief.

to be honest, it's starting to get a little complicated for any ordinary (but nonetheless natural born) citizens who can be forgiven for not following all the excitement during their holiday. so, in order to help precisely evaluate the real world value of these presentments and fully appreciate the ongoing impact of the still thriving birther movement, we're going to have to break out our trusty certificalculus primer and slide rule. take it away, albert:

1) birfer coefficient

a vast relativistic multiplier (like c² in einstein's famous matter/energy conversion formula e = mc²) that determines the imaginary birfer value of any real world quantity, effect, probability or process. while applied most often to the number of birthers that may exist at any point in space-time, the birfer coefficient ("bc") is also applied to the significance, likelihood or effect of any birfer event or the speed at which a birfer process operates or is expected to result in success.

real world values x birfer coefficient ("bc") and their resulting birfer equivalents:

1. one birther and his sock puppet x bc = millions of americans;

   eg: "millions of americans want barack obama to prove he's constitutionally qualified to be president."

2. "pro bono" x bc = millions of dollars;

   eg: "why else would anyone hire lawyers and expend millions of dollars to avoid producing a $12.50 birth certificate"

3. one lost election x bc = constitutional crisis of biblical proportions;

   eg: "this is now 6 months into a constitutional crisis of biblical proportions"

4. 0.00% probability x bc = certainty, victory, inevitability;

   eg: "sooner or later some court or many courts will formally indict obama from our presentments or [a] complaint"

2) birfer value

the vastly inflated imaginary value or significance ("bv") produced by multiplying any real world quantity, effect, probability or process by the birfer coefficient.

more birfer values ("bv") and their real world equivalents:

1. grand jury (bv) = a chat room, forum or twitter session;

   super jury (bv) = a chat room, forum or twitter session with more than 30 members;

   eg: "the constitution of the united states, as interpreted by the supreme court, gives rise to a FOURTH BRANCH of government, THE GRAND JURY. we the people have been charged with oversight of the government in our roles as grand jurors."

   eg: "the super jury is part of the NEW american revolution and the patriot’s goal is that of taking back america."

2. indictment or presentment (bv) = a chain letter or spam;

   eg: "we know it is going to take many more Grand Juries and possibly 100's of filings to get the job done. sooner or later the court system is going to be inundated with "presentments" against obama."

3) birfer event

an event or action having only imaginary or purely symbolic effect or significance, which after application of the birfer coefficient can be celebrated as an accomplishment or milestone or victory.

birfer events ("be") and their real world equivalents:

1. indict (be) = hold breath, stamp feet and point at;

   eg: "super jury INDICTS barack obama on the birthday of our country"

2. serve (be) indictment or presentment = drop off with bemused receptionist;

   eg: "carl swensson and mack ellis served the 11-page Presentments to president barack obama, at the white house for FRAUD and TREASON."

4) birfer process

any sequence of birfer events which, by virtue of their imaginary or purely symbolic effect or significance, shows only imaginary progress. application of the birfer coefficient gives participants in a birfer process the relativistic perception of real work, accomplishment or success.

eg: "172 grand jury members worked night and day for 10 days in session to hand down the presentments against our arrogant usurper."

eg: "officer TOOK PRESENTMENTS, FIXED A LABEL IN OUR RECEIPT AREA WHICH HE EXPLAINED TO ME WAS THEIR SIGNATURE; HAD SUPREME COURT AND DATE AND TIME STAMPED: SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES SERVED PRESENTMENTS!"

5) birfer coefficient collapse

the conversion of any imaginary birfer value into its real world equivalent. most coefficient collapses predictably occur during attempts to realize or exercise their imaginary value using real world processes or procedures.

eg: "the individuals who have made this presentment were not convened by [the U.S. COURT FOR THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA] to sit as a grand jury nor have they been selected at random from a fair cross section of this district.

any self-styled indictment or presentment issued by such a group has no force under the constitution or laws of the united states.

as such, leave to file this presentment is hereby DENIED.

signed by judge royce lamberth"