(the illustrated) dracula lives again!

a lost item from my childhood that for many years i could recall very little about beyond simple nostalgia. i can recall neither how or where i got it. despite being deprived, by the fog of time, of a title or an artist or a year, dogged net-sleuthing unearthed a book not seen in print since 1975, "(the illustrated) dracula", a black & white trade paperback comic first published more than half a century ago in 1966 (as simply "dracula") by russ jones, creator of warren publishing's popular "creepy" horror comic magazine.

preceded with a four-page introduction by famed dracula portrayer christopher lee, the comic is a faithful retelling of bram stoker's 1897 opus, condensed by otto binder and craig tennis, and moodily rendered by gold-through-bronze-age talent alden mcwilliams, whose strong draftsmanship favorably evokes his more famous contemporaries alex raymond, wally wood and al williamson. bob larkin provided the cover portrait. copies can still be found on amazon and abeBooks, so i ordered one and, after finding my nostalgia fully justified, i set about the laborious task of scanning the entire 161-page volume:

cover of the original 1966 "dracula" first edition:

"(the illustrated) dracula" was a cheap paperback printed on cheap newsprint to be sold to the hoi polloi. starkly illustrated in this unretouched scan are the browning of age, the coarse texture of the cheap pulp paper stock, the uneven and patchy application of the ink, and most challenging, ghost impressions left by ink from the facing page. before and after:

as with many bound book formats, paperbacks can be difficult to scan completely flat. even before the book arrived, in my original plan i had resigned myself to cutting the pages apart. however, despite its age, the book was surprisingly flexible and resilient and proved amenable to the considerable torsion required to hold the pages flat. thanks to the generous gutter space placed between the spine and the artwork, i was able to keep this classic tome in one piece.

bubble boy

"aw c'mon, it was just a routine inspection!"

[wonkette] bill barr says trump just regular bunker baby, not inspector bunker baby :(

bill barr is basically calling donald trump a liar right now.

remember when trump claimed hilariously to fox news's brian kilmeade that he didn't go in the bunker and hide because he was scared of the american people outside, but rather because it was time for a BUNKER INSPECTION, because of how he's the official white house INSPECTOR BUNKER BABY?

yeah, bill barr says that is not it, in a monday interview with fox news's bret baier.

... "things were so bad that the secret service recommended the president go down to the bunker," mr. barr said in an interview with fox news. "we can't have that in our country."

... bill barr's lies are conflicting with donald trump's lies right now, oh how sad.

... he needs the lie narrative out there that there was some major violence happening in the streets, when all impartial accounts say otherwise.

... meanwhile, donald trump is scared of looking like a weenus, so he needs it to be true that he was simply performing his normal daytime INSPECTOR BUNKER BABY duties, instead of being rushed down to the bunker by the secret service for his own protection.

... two men. two different stories they are telling themselves. both stories bullshit.

commies from mars

we know now that in the early years of the twenty-first century this world was being watched closely by socialists browner than we real americans and far less moral than our own. terrorists lusty, stoned and sociopathic, regarded the land of the free and the suburbs of the brave with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us. in the twentieth year of the twenty-first century came the great awakening.

it was near the end of may. stocks were better. the covid scare was over. more men were back at work. cities were re-opening. on this particular evening, may 31, internet world stats estimated that 4.65 billion people were cruising the internet ...

donald j. trump @realDonaldTrump, may 31

the united states of america will be designating ANTIFA as a terrorist organization.

anonymous, may 31

i am not one to spread false information, i have been informed by numerous realizable resources. the protest planned for tonight at 8:30 in downtown klamath falls, IS GOING TO BE DANGEROUS. there are two buses heading this way from portland, full of ANTIFA members and loaded with bricks. their intentions are to come to klamath falls, destroy it, and murder police officers. there have been rumors of the ANTIFA going into residential areas to 'fuck up the white hoods'.

do not get me wrong. i am all for peaceful protesting. infact i was going to attend the protest tonight believing it was going to be peaceful.

the real 3%ers idaho, may 31

ATTN ada county BUSINESS OWNERS in boise and surrounding areas:

we have credible intel tonight that antifa and other groups are planning a riot tonight in the boise area. their plan is to destroy private property in the city and continue to residential areas. we are calling on all business owners to contact us if you are concerned for your business and your private property immediately. we are here to protect you, your private business, and have teams on the ground standing by.

ghost 117 @ThomasMerrick16, jun 1

Antifa is now in klamath falls Oregon my home town we the people of klamath falls #Patriotsforlife let's get these terrorists out of our town

cory johnson @cjohnsondubai, jun 1

time to lock and load to protect our home. two buses of antifa showed up in klamath falls and with in an hour the citizens were on the street heavily armed.

pacificriver @pacificedge541, jun 1

3 buses of BLM/antifa dropped off in klamath falls oregon. residents out too protect thier town.

i climbed a small hill above the pond at sixtieth street. i looked in vain for the monsters or the buses that reportedly had brought them.

it was later found that they were killed by the disinfecting agents against which their systems were unprepared. slain, after all man's defenses had failed, by the two humblest things that god in his wisdom put upon this earth: time ... and the cold hard light of reality.

(apologies to h.g. wells)

[nbc news]
in klamath falls, oregon, victory declared over antifa, which never showed up

...still others remain convinced that antifa had been there that night, run off by the sight of hundreds of armed patriots.

and that’s the story spreading online.

"antifa retreats from suburb after business owner and neighborhood show up with guns," stated the headline on the website newspunch, one of the internet’s most notorious fake news destinations. the article quotes a facebook post by dan kline, the owner of a local billiards bar.

"i have never felt a threat to my business as i did last night," kline wrote in his post. "antifa didn’t make it to the courthouse and my bar had no incidents. antifa walked into a hornet’s nest. it was like a sixth grade football team walking into the oakland coliseum to take on the raiders."

the golden age of antifa comics

who can forget these four-color classics from a time when no one declared that anti-fascists were "terrorists" or that tiki-torch-waving nazis were "very fine people" ...

fast forward ...

(see also: "those were the days")

so crazy it actually worked, redux

thought i might revisit a certain 2018 post:

art:

dr. zola:	schmidt believes he walks in the footsteps of the gods.
col. phillips:	hmph!
dr. zola:	only the world itself will satisfy him.
col. phillips:	you do realize that's nuts, don't you?
dr. zola:	the insanity of the plan is of no consequence.
col. phillips:	and why is that?
dr. zola:	because he can do it!

(tommy lee jones and toby jones in "captain america: the first avenger", 2011)

life:

what was our idea with donald trump?

for four years and two days ... it was necessary to get to everyone in the brain and grab all possible means of mass perception of reality. ensure the victory of donald in the election of the us president. then create a political alliance between the united states, france, russia (and a number of other states) and establish a new world order.

our idea was insane, but realizable.

(konstantin rykov, kremlin social media agent)

person of interest of the year

of course soon-to-be-impeached-president donald trump deserves to be awarded time magazine's coveted "person of the year" cover!

however.

the editors at time dared think better and gave its feature to 16-year-old swedish climate activist greta thunberg:

never to be outdone by any female anywhere, particularly a minor, trump took back what belongs only to him (via twitter, of course) in the only manner befitting the leader of the free world:

[time magazine] is asking that a framed cover image of trump be taken down from the walls of several golf clubs.

that's because the cover hanging in several trump organization clubs is a phony, a time spokesperson confirmed to nbc news.

washington post reporter david fahrenthold, who broke the story, said he had tallied seven locations where the cover was spotted as of wednesday morning, and was continuing to look for additional sightings.

thumbody meth up

LOL! Think about how many people this went through who didn't even think about it.

South Dakota governor’s new anti-meth ad mocked for its awkward motto: ‘Meth. We’re on it’https://t.co/2JQBpJZiZe

— Raw Story (@RawStory) November 19, 2019

focus groups indicated interest in a more targeted campaign:

names were floated for possible celebrity endorsements:

from a powerful woman

a tense phone conversation between a reporter for the washington examiner and white house senior counselor kellyanne conway was published by the newspaper on thursday.

in the conversation, conway objected that a story written by the reporter, caitlin yilek, mentioned that her husband george conway is a fierce critic of president trump on twitter.

... after the reporter said she would be happy to allow conway to talk to her editor, conway replied: “let me tell you something, from a powerful woman. don’t pull the crap where you’re trying to undercut another woman based on who she’s married to.

"he gets his power through me, if you haven’t noticed," conway said. "not the other way around.

... “you don’t have to rely upon the men in your life and pretend somehow by way of reporting that i rely on the men in my life, which clearly isn’t the case," conway shot back.

(inspired by real twitter account president supervillain, who puts real trumpSpeak into real comics. art by tony s. daniel, sandu florea & norm rapmund, from batman #696)

so crazy it actually worked

from putin's top troll at the kremlin ...

what was our idea with donald trump?

for four years and two days ... it was necessary to get to everyone in the brain and grab all possible means of mass perception of reality. ensure the victory of donald in the election of the us president. then create a political alliance between the united states, france, russia (and a number of other states) and establish a new world order.

our idea was insane, but realizable.

(konstantin rykov, kremlin social media agent)

... which proves we are now living in a comic book universe:

dr. zola:	schmidt believes he walks in the footsteps of the gods.
col. phillips:	hmph!
dr. zola:	only the world itself will satisfy him.
col. phillips:	you do realize that's nuts, don't you?
dr. zola:	the insanity of the plan is of no consequence.
col. phillips:	and why is that?
dr. zola:	because he can do it!

(tommy lee jones and toby jones in "captain america: the first avenger", 2011)

ask frank

this valentine's day revisits the punisher's heartfelt advice to karen page in netflix' "daredevil", suggesting a second calling for the stone-cold vigilante — as an agony uncle.

Mr. Castle:

Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!" ... and I'll whisper "No."

Hope world survives long enough for this to reach you. For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise ... and step into the shadow now.[1]

Without complaint,
-- "ЯR"

DEAR "ЯR":

Look around, ЯR. This city, it stinks! It's a sewer. It stinks and it smells like shit and I can't get the stink out of my nose! I think that this world, it needs men that are willing to make the hard call. I think you and me are the same![2]

Dear Frank:

I don't know where to start.

That ship that appeared last night -- I'm the one they're looking for.

Even if I surrender, there's no guarantee they'll keep their word.

But if there's a chance I can save Earth by turning myself in ... shouldn't I take it?

My gut tells me they can't be trusted.

The problem is ... I'm not sure the people of Earth can be either.[3]

Worst. Reunion. Ever.
"Cal L."

DEAR "CAL":

You're done, now, Cal. They're coming for you. Only way you get out of this, is if you grow wings.[4]

My Dear Punny-Wunny;

There's NO DIFFERENCE between ME and everybody ELSE! All it takes is ONE BAD DAY to reduce the SANEST MAN ALIVE to LUNACY. THAT'S how far the WORLD is from where I am. Just ONE BAD DAY. YOU had a BAD DAY once, am I RIGHT? I KNOW I am. I can TELL. You had a BAD DAY and everything CHANGED. You had a BAD DAY, and it drove YOU as CRAZY as EVERYBODY ELSE ... only YOU won't ADMIT it! You have to keep PRETENDING that life makes SENSE, that there's some POINT to all this STRUGGLING!

God, you make me want to PUKE.[5]

Keep up the GOOD WORK,
-- "Joe Cur"

DEAR "JOE":

Well, loss doesn't work the same for everybody, Joe. We don't get to pick the things that fix us. Make us whole. Make us feel purpose. My moment of clarity? It came from the strangest of places.

Is that why you think you're better than me? You know what I think of you? I think you're a half-measure. I think you're a man who can't finish the job. I think that you're a coward. You know the one thing that you just can't see? You know you're one bad day away from being ME.[6]

Deah Mistah Punisha:

Anotha night I get all dolled up, and anotha night I get the boot. Face it, this stinks. I'm a certified nutzo wanted by the law in two dozen states ... and hopelessly in love with a murderous psychopathic clown. At what point did my life go looney tunes? How did it happen? Who's to blame?

Nevah again. No more obsession. No more craziness. No more Puddin'. I finally see that slime for what he is.[7]

Tearfully, but no longah a clown,
-- "R. Lee Quinn"

DEAR "LEE":

People that can hurt you, the ones that can really hurt you, are the ones that are close enough to do it. People that get inside you and ... and ... and tear you apart, and make you feel like you're never gonna recover. Shit. I'd ... I ... I would chop my arm off right here, in this restaurant, just to feel that one more time for my wife. My old lady, she didn't just break my heart. She ... She'd rip it out, she'd tear it apart, she'd step on that shit, feed it to a dog. I mean, she was ruthless. She brought the pain. But she'll never hurt me again. You see, I'll never feel that. You sit here and you're all confused about this thing, but you have it. You have everything. So hold on to it. Use two hands and nevah let go. You got it?[8]

Dear Frank:

I tried to stop him once. I couldn't do it.

I can't kill my own father.

There is another, but I can't let her get involved now. He will destroy her.

He's come for me. He can feel when I'm near. That's why I have to go. I have to face him.

Because ... there is good in him. I've felt it. I can save him. I can turn him back to the good side. I have to try.[9]

As destiny approaches,
-- "Jed I."

DEAR "JED":

You still think this piece of shit is worth saving?!?!

That's a bad idea. You see, he'll kill again. Can't live with that, Jed. Can you?

'Cause you need to understand that pieces of shit like this ruin people's lives.[10]

Dear Mr. Castle:

I am a Douwd. An immortal being of disguises and false surroundings. I have lived in this galaxy for many thousands of years although, until today, no one has known my true identity. Once, while traveling in human form, I chanced to fall in love with an Earth woman. I put aside my powers and became her husband. Our life was happy and rich.

Our colony was attacked by a warship belonging to the Husnock, a species of hideous intelligence who knew only aggression and destruction. I could have destroyed them with a mere thought, but I did not do so. I will not kill.

But Rishon went to fight with the colonists, and died with them. I saw her broken body. I went insane.

My hatred exploded, and in an instant of grief I destroyed the Husnock. I didn't kill just one Husnock, or a hundred, or a thousand. I killed them all. All Husnock. Everywhere.

Are eleven thousand people worth fifty billion? Is the love of a woman worth the destruction of an entire species?[11]

Remorseful on Rana,
-- "Kev"

DEAR "KEV":

Yeah. And nobody got hurt who didn't deserve it.[12]

1) rorschach, the watchmen #1, "at midnight, all the agents..." (1985)
2) frank castle, daredevil, season 2#3, "new york's finest" (2016)
3) clark kent, man of steel (2013)
4) frank castle, daredevil, season 2#3, "new york's finest" (2016)
5) the joker, batman: the killing joke (1988)
6) frank castle, daredevil, season 2#3, "new york's finest" (2016)
7) harley quinn, the batman adventures: mad love (1994)
8) frank castle, daredevil, season 2#11, "380" (2016)
9) luke skywalker, star wars: return of the jedi (1983)
10) frank castle, daredevil, season 2#3, "new york's finest" (2016)
11) kevin uxbridge, star trek: the next generation, season 3#3, "the survivors" (1989)
12) frank castle, daredevil, season 2#3, "new york's finest" (2016)

mad men

when facing off against the legendary bat-man, it helps to be just a little crazy ...

"the case of the chemical syndicate", detective comics #27, may 1939

"professor hugo strange", detective comics #36, feb 1940

"the joker returns", batman #1, spring 1940

"the murders of clayface", detective comics #40, jun 1940

"wolf, the crime master", batman #2, summer 1940

"the case of the joker's crime circus!", batman #4, winter 1941

"the clock maker!", batman #6, aug-sep 1941

"the brain burglar!", detective comics #55, sep 1941

"twenty-four hours to live!", detective comics #57, nov 1941

"a bat-death for batman!", batman #221, may 1970

"night of the reaper", batman #237, dec 1971

"forecast for tonight... murder!", detective comics #420, feb 1972

"open-and-shut case!", detective comics #425, jul 1972

"deathmask!", detective comics #437, nov 1973

then again, anyone who'd face off against every adrenaline-fueled psychopath that crawled out of the woodwork might be just a little crazy too ...

"the white whale!", batman #9, feb-mar 1942

(stories by bob kane, bill finger, frank robbins, denny o'neil & archie goodwin; art by bob kane, jerry robinson, george roussos, irv novick, neal adams, dick giordano, frank robbins, don heck & jim aparo)