Tuesday, September 11, 2012

a campaign about nothing

(via "seinfeld" fan booman tribune)

[Scene: breakfast at fancy hotel restaurant, morning of November 3rd, 2008, the day after Barack Obama is elected president. Mitt Romney and long-time Bain Capital consigliere Bill White enjoy poached eggs.]

BILL: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.

MITT: You know why? Because the country is being overrun by people who like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have salsa?" "We need more salsa." "Where is the salsa? No salsa?"

BILL: You know it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. (Angry) "I wanted seltzer, not salsa."

MITT: "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?? You have the seltzer after the salsa!" You really should look into acquiring the Serrano's salsa company. They're up and coming.

BILL: See, this should be the campaign. This is the campaign.

MITT: What?

BILL: This. Just talking.

MITT: (dismissing) Yeah, right.

BILL: I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea.

MITT: Just talking? Well, what's the campaign about?

BILL: It's about nothing.

MITT: No policy?

BILL: No forget the policy.

MITT: You've got to have policy.

BILL: Who says you gotta have policy? Remember when we were waiting for that table at L'Espalier that time? That could be the campaign.

MITT: And who runs against us? Who are the characters?

BILL: Rick Santorum could be a character.

MITT: Santorum?

BILL: Yeah. He's a riot.

MITT: So, on the campaign, there's Rick Santorum?

BILL: Yeah. There's something wrong with that? He's a character. People are always saying to him, "You know you're a quite a character."

MITT: And who else is on the campaign?

BILL: Michele Bachmann could be a character. Newt...

MITT: Now he's a character.

BILL: Right.

MITT: And our campaign will be about nothing?

BILL: Absolutely nothing.

MITT: So you're saying, I go in to the big donors, and tell them I got this idea for a campaign about nothing.

BILL: We go to the big donors.

MITT: "We"? Since when are you a campaign strategist?

BILL: (Scoffs) Campaign strategist? We're talking about the American public!

MITT: You want to go with me to the big donors?

BILL: Yeah. I think we really got something here.

MITT: What do we got?

BILL: An idea.

MITT: What idea?

BILL: An idea for the campaign.

MITT: I still don't know what the idea is.

BILL: It's about nothing.

MITT: Right.

BILL: Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing.

MITT: So, we go into the big donors, we tell them we've got an idea for a campaign about nothing.

BILL: Exactly.

MITT: They say, "What's your campaign about?" I say, "Nothing."

BILL: There you go.

(A moment passes)

MITT: (Nodding) I think you may have something there.

[Scene: breakfast at fancy hotel restaurant, morning of January 21st, 2009, the day after Barack Obama is inaugurated as president. Mitt Romney and future campaign manager Matt Rhoades enjoy poached eggs.]

(Matt Rhoades pitches campaign strategy)

MATT: ...And you're the manager of the circus.

MITT: A circus?

MATT: Come on, this is a great idea. Look at the characters. You've got all these freaks on the campaign. A woman with starry eyes? I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see a women with starry eyes? You've got the dumbest man in the world; a guy who's just a head.

MITT: You mean Bachmann, Perry, and Gingrich?

MATT: Look Mitt, the show isn't about the circus, it's about watching freaks.

MITT: I don't think the networks will like it.

MATT: Why not?

MITT: Look, I don't want to do a campaign that is just about freaks.

MATT: Oh come on, Mitt, you're wrong. People they want to watch freaks. You'll be a shoe-in. This is a "can't miss."


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