certifigate: calling ken starr

it has the potential of being the trial of the century. winning it, by exposing obama as the charlatan that he is, against all the powers unlawfully at his command, would put the name of even an already accomplished attorney on the biggest pages of history. so where are the darrows and the bryans? after all, no less than the integrity of the constitution and the soul of democracy wait as helpless and as hopeful as a fairytale damsel.

so where are the mighty dragon-slayers of the legal fellowship? surely, the power of vanity alone should make the chance to litigate against the usurper himself, in front of the highest court in the land, all but impossible to resist for even the most hardened of cynics. so where are the dershowitzes and the allreds?

over in the land of the free and the conservative, at our favorite wingnut blog free republic, someone thinks he knows where ...

are you saying that if a "real, non-kook, big time and/or famous lawyer" presented any of these cases, even if the cases were exactly as they are now, they'd have a better chance?

the real, non-kook, big time, famous lawyers love to argue in front of the supreme court— it gives them great prestige, which leads to tons of lucrative work. i used to work for a very large, national firm, and they would do supreme court cases for free, or for a fraction of their usual fees, because of the advertising value of arguing before the court. the fact that none of the "usual suspects" (90% of supreme court appeals are argued by one of maybe 10 or 12 firms) has touched any of these cases is probably seen by the court (rightly or wrongly) as a sign that these are fringe issues.

... by and large, the lawyers who argue before the supreme court are an elite among the elite. i have practiced law for 30 years, and argued dozens of appeals before many federal and state courts of appeals, and i have never argued a case in the supreme court and will in all likelihood never get to do so.

... the elite nature of the supreme court bar is not just a matter of snobbery. the court hears only a tiny percentage of the cases presented to it, and each case it decides is going to set precedent for the whole country. they want to make sure that the lawyers who argue the cases to them are the best of the best, who won’t mess up.

... there are conservative supreme court advocates-- roberts was one before he got on the court, ken starr is another, and there are more. if a case presents an issue that the court may be interested in, these lawyers will call up and practically beg you to let them argue your case (heller for one, and kelo, for another-- kelo didn't come out right, but the homeowners had no trouble finding a top supreme court litigator).

... there are exceptions-- a public defender from oregon that no one had ever heard of before got a case granted by the supreme court a year or two ago, and set a major precedent. but it's rare.

OK you clarified it. if one of these obama suits gets a hearing, the lawyers will come out of the woodwork. the case gets accepted first then the slick lawyers beg second.

no, if the case presents an issue that they think the supreme court will take, the slick lawyers will call when the case gets decided in the lower court, saying "are you going to appeal to the supreme court? we want to help." that they didn't do that in any of the natural born citizen cases means that they didn't see any likelihood that any of them would be accepted by the court.

okay, so with the round table presumably taking a curtsy on slaying this particular dragon, just exactly who are stepping into their boots to take back the country from its alien overlord?

philip berg (pa): the first member of the certifigate brain trust to have been actually heard in federal court and on the merits. that case was dismissed as "frivolous and not worthy of discussion". not a good sign, but this crowd considers merely filing a application to be an achievement. berg is well known as a litigious crank who filed a racketeering suit against bush as a 9/11 co-conspirator. berg has also been found guilty of malpractice and ethics violations. currently suing obama and biden on behalf of a retired ready reserve colonel facing "the possibility of a conflict in his duties". also representing an internecine libel suit against fellow certifigater ed "bugs" hale (see stephen pidgeon, below).

leo donofrio (nj): a.k.a. "jet schizo" a.k.a. "jet wintzer". multi-talented indie rocker, professional poker player and retired lawyer, whose only certifigate winnings have been at the card table. sued presidential candidates obama, mccain and socialist roger calero as ineligible. challenged the authenticity of obama's birth records in a second case. both denied by the supreme court. as of feb. 1, mr. "the homeless are sending black helicopters after me" donofrio has decided to resume his retirement. (i heartily recommend reading his farewell post in its entirety.) i pass on having anything to do with military suing over POTUS eligibility. i don’t have the resources to guide such a litigation, nor do i see that any court would ever provide true justice after what i’ve experienced with my case and cort’s. i have absolutely NO faith in the US legal system. none. nada. zilch. zippo. ... i will now go on to display power via chess, poker, golf, film, art and music. the power i represent through my art is the boss. there is no other. god is champion of the universe. god is accurate, precise, all knowing, all powerful and prepared to prove that to you with a kiss. ... i am now going to step away from the POTUS eligibility issue and move on with my life.

andy martin (il): self-proclaimed "internet powerhouse" (!) and n.y. times-proclaimed "prodigious filer of lawsuits" who was once blocked from the illinois bar after a psychiatric finding of "moderately severe character defect manifested by well-documented ideation with a paranoid flavor and a grandiose character." once considered a congressional run to "exterminate jew power". claimed on fox news that obama was "in training for radical overthrow of the government". unsuccessfully sued gov. lingle of hawaii to produce obama's birth certificate.

orly taitz (ca): she'll clean your teeth while you await your next dismissal! this dentist-slash-counselor earned her law degree online from the unaccredited taft university. taitz seems determined to use the power of teh internets to rally flash mobs to badger functionaries up and down the judicial system into listening to her, including u.s. attorney patrick fitzgerald and the chicago fbi, especially after a network hiccup made her supreme court filings temporarily unavailable (obama's fault!). accused the high court of being in league with "a few billionaires, trilateral commission and the bielderberg group". currently demanding records of the jan. 14 ceremonial meeting between the justices and obama, and soliciting military personnel to sue the president. incredibly, taitz's antics are giving heartburn even to her fellow travelers in d'nile. donofrio on taitz: this is very bad language. NO SOLDIER NEEDS TO DISOBEY AN ORDER FOR THE ISSUE OF POTUS ELIGIBILITY TO BE PROPERLY LITIGATED. i do not believe the attorney meant to do harm, but the consent form is so incredibly dangerous that i must speak out about it. furthermore, i would counsel the attorney that they may be guilty of inciting sedition. please stop using this form and counseling people with regard thereto. currently trying to pretend that alan keyes is still picking up her phone calls.

alan keyes (ca): unlike his colleagues, keyes comes with a real resume. unfortunately, like his colleagues, keyes also comes with a real defect, of the hardcore christian fundamentalist bent. once a diplomat in reagan's state department, keyes has made a subsequent career as a perennial also-ran, having most recently been denied a seat in the illinois senate by obama, and the republican presidential nomination by mccain. as a political rival, keyes believes he has legal standing to challenge obama's qualifications. his case comes up in march. was a party to andy martin's failed suit against hawaii gov. lingle. currently running away from dr. taitz as quickly as possible.

gary kreep (ca): yep, that's the man's name and he's doing his best to live up to it. hardcore conservative activist. founder and head of the u.s. justice foundation, justice political action committee, the family values coalition, and in 2008, the republican majority campaign, which ran a shady-sounding under-the-radar phone and direct mail campaign against clinton and obama, an effort that, unlike its founder, obviously failed to live up to its name. declared his intention to "file suit to challenge each and every one of obama's actions as president". currently assisting alan keyes with his suit against obama.

stephen pidgeon (wa): conservative christian attorney who demanded washington's secretary of state "set aside the votes cast for senator barack obama, because at the time of the election, senator obama had failed to establish that he was a 'natural born citizen' of the united states, failed to establish that he was an american citizen, and that he was not running under his legal name of barry soetoro". dismissed without comment by both the washington state and u.s. supreme courts. his clients have declined to appeal. currently assisting bigfoot slayer, radio and internet self-promoter ed "bugs" hale empty the pockets of his listeners track down the usurper's elusive kenyan birth certificate.

mario apuzzo (nj): obeying the certifigate universe's law of conservation of litigants, apuzzo is the new kid on the block, stepping into the void left by donofrio. on inauguration day his clients filed a federal suit in new jersey against obama, congress, the senate, cheney and pelosi, seeking "to learn the truth about whether obama is an article ii 'natural born citizen'".

and there you have it, faithful citizens: the sole bulwark against the lawless hordes of the ineligible one. with the blessed constitution on their side, these budding legends will never tire and never quit — at least as long as the laws of conservation hold. the triumph of good over evil depends on it.

but, just in case ... ken starr, the red courtesy phone awaits you.

we're not your classic heros. we're the other guys. — mystery men (1999)